Whoopi! It’s Oscar time, and dear old Marion Barry has already
set us up with a nice array of winners. Growing up, he tells the
Washington Post, he identified with Bogart in Casablanca, Edward G.
Robinson and James Cagney (“he was a gangster and he was a lover”).
But then his current wife forced him to admire Forrest Gump.
Life does indeed imitate art. For instance, in picking Helen
Mirren as his choice of best supporting actress for her performance
in Gosford Park, Barry lets on that she was so good in the movie
“at one point I even thought she was the murderer.” But she WAS the
murderer, an independent investigation by Enemy Central has
determined. Meanwhile, though his mind has shrunk, it’s also
managed to grow. No longer does he judge a woman by her incredible
looks, he lets on. Take Halle Berry. “When I watch her,” he says,
“I don’t see the actress, I see the character.” Don’t we all.
Now to get Tom Hanks to star as Marion Barry.
The Senate conducted its own balloting, and eleven Beautiful
Minds emerged victorious: GOP Sens. McCain, Fitzgerald, Lugar,
Collins, Snowe, Cochran, Domenici, Specter, Chafee, Thompson, and
Warner. Each voted in favor of campaign finance reform, so that
they can remains in good favor with all the usual lords of the
ring. For a while there was concern that McCain wouldn’t join them.
He’s the last guy in Washington one would expect to find hanging
around with Republicans.
Bogart-Cagney-Robinson movies finished out of the running this
year, all because of Lewis Elementary School officials in Barstow,
California, have moved to ban “cops and robbers” play by students
under their supervision. The crackdown came after a dramatic
increase in imaginary weapons on school property. One nine-year-old
boy was threatened with expulsion after an investigation revealed
his mind to be an arsenal of phantom Uzis, .45s, and B-52s. A
school district superintendent told a reporter that play will
remain suspended “until guidelines can be developed to help the
staff differentiate between dangerous and imaginary play.” Thanks
to GOP backed budget cuts, there may not be enough specialists on
staff to do the differentiating.
In playgrounds closer to Enemy Central’s home, Mr. Chris
Matthews remains under close supervision. One day he was ridiculing
Ring Lords Koppel and Lehrer; the next he was practically breaking
into their offices to beg for their forgiveness. A thorough
investigation may reveal the case has Godfather possibilities. On
the one hand, Matthews insisted it was his responsibility “to show
my respect to real guys who are ahead of me.” On the other hand, he
might have dug his own grave. There’s strong evidence he disturbed
Lehrer while the NewsHour man was taking his afternoon nap. Which
probably explains why Lehrer’s show that day lacked its usual
zip.
In the obsequiousness category, Senator Hillary became the first
woman to defeat a dominant male like Matthews. Before a live Senate
audience, she went into overdrive to praise the fifteen-term U.S.
Senator from West Virginia, Robert K.K.K. Byrd. It seems she’s
modeled her career on his, which means New York state can look
forward to having every other street, school, park and fisheries
named after her. In her remarks, she emphasized how much her mother
always found Sen. Byrd attractive. Word from the Hill now is that
Sen. Hollings has gone into hiding lest he be singled out next —
but that Sen. Thurmond has asked Hillary for Mom’s phone
number.
In a close shave, the man who lost Florida by a wider margin
than Andrew Jackson has changed his look once again. Now Al Gore
wants be called Pale Face.
As if we or Naomi Wolf care. What we really care about are the
finer things: world peace, universal day care, and three free meals
a day (plus munchies and snacks). But then basketball comes on, and
new priorities emerge. Last night, in the matchup of matchups,
Indiana defeated Duke, or at least up to a point (literally, as
they say), as Duke did the rest — missing a tying free-throw and
losing as ignominiously as the Yankees did in the bottom of the
ninth of game seven of last fall’s World Series. Soon enough the
teams left the floor, but not before one of Duke’s reserve players
had to be restrained by a dozen or so uniformed state troopers,
from lynching one of the referees. The incident has gone largely
unremarked but it captured nicely the “arrogance of power”
phenomenon. It’ll be up to Coach K to make sure this reserve
player, one Matt Christensen, this week’s EOW, remains permanently
benched (unless of course he has a future as Alec Baldwin’s
double).
