Every card-carrying member of the Mafia wanted two things in
life. If he wanted to make whoopee: a night club singer with
platinum hair in a tight red dress. If he got in trouble: a Jewish
lawyer. In a pinch, or if he was pinched by the cops and had to
choose between the two, he could do without pinching the singer in
the tight red dress, but he would still want the Jewish lawyer.
Since there are a limited number of Mafiosos who could afford a
platinum-haired singer in a tight red dress in addition to a Jewish
lawyer, or even afford a Jewish lawyer without the singer, or worse
yet, a Jewish lawyer wearing a tight red dress, Jewish lawyers have
had a tough time of it — at least until the Pope came to their
rescue.
Last week during an annual meeting with Vatican magistrates the
Pope delivered a papal bombshell. He said lawyers “should always
decline to use their professions for an end that is contrary to
justice, like divorce…”
On hearing the news, lawyers all over the world dropped their
writs, not to mention their briefs, and were rendered speechless —
which for lawyers, in the ordinary course of events, is about as
likely as expecting to see Clinton shopping for a chastity belt.
The Pope’s meaning was clear: Catholic lawyers should not handle
divorce cases.
On hearing this news, Jewish lawyers, on the other hand, were
renting halls to have parties, hiring three-piece bands, and going
over menus with the caterers. This was the best thing to happen to
Jewish lawyers since the Magna Carta. With Catholic lawyers out of
the divorce business, they now had a monopoly in the field. There
were already few Protestant lawyers in the divorce business. They
were too busy figuring out how to get dressed in the morning so
that nothing matched and falling asleep at board of directors
meetings. Muslim lawyers, historically, were never in the divorce
business. A Muslim doesn’t have to get divorced. He just picks out
a new wife and sets another place at the dinner table. Besides, why
would a Muslim have to get divorced in the first place? With a
black shmata over their heads all women look the same.
While we agree with most of the Pope’s pronouncements, here we
have to part company. Marriage and divorce are not the Pope’s line
of work. To look to the Pope for guidance in this area is like
asking a vegetarian’s opinion of Kobe beef. The slogan of the great
old Packard automobile was, “Ask the man who owns one.” To listen
to the Pope in this regard is like having the slogan read, “Ask the
man who doesn’t own one.” The Pope is a wonderful elderly gentleman
who looks like he is suffering from a host of physical ailments
that make him feel miserable. But fortunately he will never have to
know real misery — like being married to a Jewish wife who makes
you get dressed up to put out the garbage or who puts up a
turnstile outside the bedroom door and charges you admission if you
want to go inside.
We pride ourselves on having a separation between church and
state. Even in countries that do not have this absolute
prohibition, governments — outside of totalitarian states — do
not attempt to pass laws that affect church practices. Yet this is
exactly what the Pope now attempts. He attempts to affect the
business of the state by a declaration of church law.
Indeed, the Pope goes further than simply instructing Catholic
lawyers not to represent other Catholics in a divorce case. He said
that Catholic lawyers should not represent even non-Catholics in
divorce cases. This means that if I were a non-Catholic and lived
in a town without a Jewish lawyer, I’m stuck even if my wife was
going into business renting out my bedroom as soon as I go to work.
It could happen that I was the only man in town who didn’t sleep
with my wife, and yet I’m stuck with her unless I move into another
town that has a Jewish lawyer. And then it could be my bad luck
that she starts sleeping with him.
It used to be that Jews, generally, were grateful to this Pope
for one thing. He made it clear that the Jews did not kill their
Lord. They only sold the lumber. Now, Jewish lawyers are singing
his praises even if they can’t carry a tune. The one thing they
will never do is convert. It would be bad for business, not to
mention a major operation.
(Jackie Mason is a comedian, and Raoul Felder is an
attorney.)
