(10:22 a.m.) Tony, our head barista, tells me that Frank Miller is gunning for me and plans to meet me at high noon at Starbucks. I consider myself a peaceable man who doesn’t look for trouble, but Miller is after me for supposedly crowding into line ahead of him for my morning frappuccino. He vows to get back at me. Miller, a notorious outlaw, was nabbed several times for stealing packets of Splenda from various Starbucks.
(10:47 a.m.) The clock is ticking but I need to protect myself from the crazed gunman for terrorizing baristas while other patrons cower beneath tables and behind their laptops, fearing for their lives. Until now, it has been impossible to find a table without Wi-Fi.
(10:58 a.m.) Miller is notorious for shooting up a Starbucks in Dodge City and another in Durango, where he and his boys made off with a valuable supply of chocolate-covered biscotti. Clearly the varmint will stop at nothing. Miller swept through four or five Starbucks in Denver and is said to be on his way to our little neighborhood hangout.