As May takes a powder and summer begins, a delightful collection of anthems from the Mussolini era is now available over the Internet under the Italian title “iMussolini.” Such stirring and seldom heard songs of the epoca as “Cara al Sol” and “Caro Papà” are available, and they just might be put to good use by President Barack Obama. His administration is moving steadily in the direction of Friendly Fascism as he promises to rely evermore on government by presidential decree, thrusting aside cumbersome institutions such as the House of Representatives, the Senate, and even the federal judiciary. He promises to wave his presidential wand over the environment, immigration, and racism in public life. On CNN, John King reports that even Democrats are calling the president “detached,” “flat-footed,” and—stealing a page from The American Spectator—“incompetent.” Well strike up the band! Wait until the popolo minuto hears the Marine Band break into a rousing performance of that old fascist hit “Ciao Biondina.” Incompetent, indeed! Moreover, there is welcome news from the Occupy Ohio Movement. In Cleveland’s Lakeview Cemetery late-night Occupiers broke into the monument to Republican President James A. Garfield and made off with a set of commemorative spoons. Perhaps they could present them to President Obama at an official White House celebration.
There is an apparent crackdown taking place on nudists across the country. At the White House front gate on May 23, the Secret Service arrested a man who had stripped naked in preparation for his 3 p.m. meeting with President Obama. He is Mr. Michel Bechard who, according to a reporter for the Daily Caller, was politely awaiting his appointment when a couple of uniformed ruffians fell on him and whisked him away, reportedly to a nearby hospital, though he was in perfectly good health and, according to reporters, even looked quite “buff.” As we go to press, it is not known what Mr. Bechard planned to discuss with the president, though he had a foreign passport so presumably he was one of Our President’s foreign intelligence agents. In Portland, Oregon, a respected nudist could not even play his violin in front of the Mark O. Hatfield Courthouse at the corner of Southwest 3rd and Southwest Salmon Street. His name is simply Mr. Matthew Thomas Mglej, and now he languishes in jail on an indecent exposure charge. In Garden Grove, California, another nude male was taken away in handcuffs, despite his cultural admonitions against such encumbrances. The man who had accosted a woman—also nude—in her car at an intersection was detained by a group of “Good Samaritans”—read: busybodies—until the police arrived. It is not known what happened to the woman, though most likely some “Samaritan” provided her with a cape. And in Dallas, Texas, the persecution continued when police arrested another nudist, once again a male, after he leapt headlong into a woman’s car through its sunroof in one of the innumerable ceremonies of homage that nudists make to their favorite celestial body, Sol Magnifico as it is called. He too was taken to a hospital. In New York City, Mr. Alec Baldwin, the actor, was arrested for riding his bicycle the wrong way down the middle of Fifth Avenue, though he was fully clothed. The arresting officers, two rather demure policewomen, were accused by Mr. Baldwin of not “even know[ing] who I am.” Who else could you be, you dinkelspiel! Everyone in New York knows your smirking face.
The Clintons are again in the news. According to Mr. Karl Rove, Hillary is a very sick, fat, old lady with wrinkles, having suffered brain damage from a 2012 fall, possibly induced by excessive drink. Yet former president Bill Clinton was quick to defend his wife. On May 14 he was quoted on CNN as denying that she is a very sick, fat, old, lady with wrinkles—though she is no Miss Monica Lewinsky. The former president did, however, admit that his wife suffered brain damage in her 2012 fall (he never mentioned her use of alcohol as a coping mechanism). He also revealed that it took her six months to fully recover from that concussion, contrary to the State Department, which pronounced her “fully recovered” a month after the incident. In addition, Mr. Clinton said Mrs. Clinton works out slightly more frequently than he. She bounces the old medicine ball around “once a week” using heavy weights, some as heavy as two pounds! And while on the subject of Miss Monica Lewinsky, she appeared in a 4,000-word piece in Vanity Fair that was strangely sympathetic. Possibly now the former president will call off his goons, stop claiming that she is a stalker and possibly the two can get back together. They made a cute couple back in the 1990s, and Monica has aged beautifully!
Plans to turn Pakistan’s province of North Waziristan into a tourist attraction complete with casinos and spas may have to be put on hold. In May, Pakistani troops killed an estimated sixty militants there, throwing peace talk into doubt. Apparently Mrs. Michelle Obama is not the only Democrat seeking to improve the nutritional content of our children’s lunches. The Honorable Joe Garcia, a congressman from Florida, appeared on C-Span picking earwax from his ear and then, after giving his finger close scrutiny, putting it into his mouth. The congressman even lines up with Mrs. Obama on politics, saying later in the month that “Communism works” along the Texas border with Mexico, where cities with large numbers of federal immigration workers are relatively peaceful. Good show, Congressman Garcia! From the federal prison facility in Montgomery, Alabama, comes word that former congressman Jesse L. Jackson is going ahead with a refinancing of his Dupont Circle home to pay off the $550,000 balance of his $750,000 fine to the federal government. He had intended to pay off the balance by auctioning off his fabulous collection of Michael Jackson memorabilia, but the authenticity of several items is in doubt, and let us face the facts: No one wants this junk.
The electric chair is back! The state of Tennessee announced plans to revive the hot seat after lethal injections in Oklahoma were deemed dangerous and even lethal. In First Amendment news, a delegation of porn stars known as “The Free Speech Coalition” is contesting a California bill requiring them to use condoms while they perform, presumably on their tongues. In Louisiana, Mr. Anthony Alvey, 22, an inmate at the Shreveport jail, apparently forgot to remove a cell phone from his rectum upon passing through a scanner and was sent to a local hospital where he finally removed it and turned the vibrator off. He was subsequently charged with bringing contraband into a correctional facility, a charge that seems harsh in this high-tech age. Finally, in St. Augustine, Florida, Miss Ana Maria Moreta Folch, a local environmentalist, was charged with criminal mischief after she employed a heavy duty equipment operator to bulldoze a nearby mobile home that was not her own. She has been released on $10,000 bail. More on Miss Ana Maria Moreta Folch later.