January departs stage left, but not before the hearties of scenic El Puig, Spain, on January 26 held their annual Dead Rat Throw, heaving the lifeless creatures to and fro and attempting to slam one right down the chops of an inattentive reveler. “In El Puig, they say you aren’t a man until you pick up a rat during the fiesta and heave it with all your might,” said Señor Abel Flores, himself an accomplished rat thrower. Animal rights activists naturally objected, but they uttered not a peep two days later when President Barack Obama made his fifth annual State of the Union speech, and, boy, did he heave the rats. Hardly one of his claims was accurate, including the claim that he has created 8 million new jobs! On the eve of President Obama’s disjointed threat to take things into his own hands and rule by executive fiat, a Washington Post-ABC News poll showed that 63 percent of those responding had little or no confidence that Mr. Obama would make the right decisions as president. The poll also showed the public evenly split over whether our president is honest, with 49 percent thinking he is and 48 percent thinking he is not. As we report elsewhere in this issue (see page 16), his scandals have obviously taken their toll on public confidence. Still, there is no word yet on what the public thinks about published accounts in former Secretary of Defense Bob Gates’s memoirs that—as America was fighting two wars—Majority Leader Harry Reid asked the Pentagon to research irritable bowel syndrome. Why he could not simply rely on Pepto Bismol until at least one war was over remains unknown. Mr. Gates concludes, “I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.” Mr. Gates, laughter is always the best therapy.
Reform is in the air in Cuba. There the citizenry will be able to buy and sell modern automobiles, with the price of a middle-sized Peugeot starting at $250,000! Congress negotiated a spending bill that will allow the government to continue to wobble along until October, and Secretary of State Jean-François Kerry took his ineffable capacity to strike a goof-ball pose before the paparazzi to the staid Vatican City, where, standing before a Renaissance mural, he—hesto presto—transformed himself into a corpse. Madame Tussauds, eat your heart out. There was more fallout from the Christmas holiday, this time in the state of New York, where Democratic Assemblyman Dennis Gabryszak stepped down amidst charges from the fair sex
that his seasonal raillery went too far and had been going too far for at least three years. While on the subject of politics in sizzling New York, former CNN cohost and one-time governor Mr. Eliot Spritzer was spotted sucking the toes of the bare-chested former spokeswoman for Mayor Bill de Blasio. Why Mr. de Blasio let this cutie get away is a mystery, but the temptress, Miss Lis Smith, does have shapely toes even if they should not have been exposed to children and mums bathing in Montego Bay’s family-friendly Half Moon Hotel pool. Keep those lewd digits covered, Miss Smith. You were driving the kids wild. And you, Mr. Spritzer: That is a good way to get an STD that even your dentist will find disgusting.
In France, President François Hollande’s “partner” is “partner” no more. Miss Valérie Trierweiler checked herself into a Paris hospital upon hearing that the debonair politico was having an affair on a scooter with an actress. Miss Trierweiler was not having a baby or an abortion or anything like that, but evidently this is the way couples separate amicably in France. It appears
the National Basketball Association (NBA) is utterly bereft of a sense of humor. League officials have fined the amusing New York Knicks guard, Mr. J.R. Smith, $50,000 for what they called “recurring instances of unsportsmanlike conduct.” In truth the puckish Mr. Smith is gaining quite a reputation around the league for untying his opponents’ shoelaces while they stand idly
by adjacent to the foul line, and he may even be planning greater entertainments, for instance, pulling down opponents’ pants or making funny faces during free throw attempts. Such
pranks could become the NBA’s equivalent of the NFL’s famed touchdown dances. Yet that 50k judgment could give him reason to pause. A Supreme Judicial Court ruling on behalf of transgendered students in the state of Maine is threatening bathroom anarchy, as hundreds of red-blooded American boys head for the girls’ toilets. In Russia thousands of anti-terrorist troops were sent to Sochi to enjoy the Winter Olympics.
Epicureans will want to save this one. In Altoona, Pennsylvania, Mr. Lee Ammerman, 51, was arrested for stealing 12 bottles of hand sanitizer from a central Pennsylvania hospital so he could mix the sanitizer with orange juice for a delightful and spirited apéritif. Talk of former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton’s forthcoming presidential candidacy has riled up the womenfolk all over the country. In Pittsburgh, a woman, known only as Sparkle, sashayed through the downtown defiantly thrusting her undraped bosom in every direction until the cops closed in, and in Mountain Home, Arkansas, an alleged ex-girlfriend of former President Bill Clinton was arrested at 3:20 a.m. walking along the street dressed only in a pair of angel wings.
Mr. Ariel Sharon, the former prime minister of Israel, passed away, as did President Jimmy Carter’s foreign policy expert Robert Pastor. Apropos of Jimmy’s historic place in America’s list of presidential failures (see page 16) we note that Mr. Pastor once told the author in a friendly aside, “Boy, did he [Jimmy] hate you!” Also the author of The Toilet is dead, Mr. Amiri Baraka, the poet laureate of New Jersey. Mr. Baraka was formerly known as LeRoi Jones or, more commonly, as Meat Head. The cause of death was not announced, but it could have been something he wrote. He was famously anti-American. From Mooroopna, Australia, comes word that a naked man who hid himself in a top-loading washing machine, supposedly while playing hide-and-seek with his partner, had to be rescued by police. The police used olive oil as a lubricant to release him but are not ruling out that the man was employing the washing machine as a sexual enhancement. Stay tuned.
It is back to anger management seminars for Mr. Jerome Davis of Des Moines, Iowa, after Mr. Davis, in his 50s, attacked his brother, also in his 50s, with a knife in an altercation over a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No one knows what happened to the sandwich. On a happier note, a man in Clearwater, Florida, was caught on a surveillance camera as he made off with a 32-inch television while zipping along an aisle in the Clearwater Target store. He was described a white man in his 20s possessed of a marvelous sense of balance and a generally happy disposition. Finally, a group of President Obama’s friends and hangers-on announced on the last day of January that they have founded the Barack H. Obama Foundation and will collect donations and speculative plans for the construction of the Barack H. Obama Presidential Library. Precisely what books will be put in the library is as yet unclear. We know he has claimed to authorship of two books, but has he ever read one? His transcripts remain closed to the public, and there is no place on the public record where he is cited as actually reading a book. Possibly the Barack H. Obama will be the only presidential library where the stacks are closed to the public. The Crisis drags on.