“There is a sniff of politics in the air,” the president daintily responded to reports yesterday that two escapees from Guantanomo passing themselves off as the team of Daschle-Gephardt had constructed a guillotine for him on the Capitol’s west side.
A sniff of politics? That’s like saying that the wise guy in Apocalypse Now only loved the sniff of napalm in the morning. What happened to all EPA standards the polluting anti-Bushies once concocted? And what about all the rules they rammed through outlawing any intelligence coordination between the FBI, CIA et al.? Just for that they should be at the head of the guillotine line. Not that anyone can accuse them of giving aid and comfort to the enemy — when as they proudly will tell you that’s the last thing they’ve been giving Bush. In any war it’s always good to have battle lines are clearly drawn.
Yet again Al Gore is telling Bush not to get sniffy. That’s scary. “Disgraceful” he called the RNC’s supposed plan “to capitalize on one of the most tragic moments in our nation’s history” by reusing a photo of Bush in action on September 11. (Evidently Al is not a recycling absolutist.) He would have preferred a photo of empty space, to suggest a Bush missing in action. Then he said, “I cannot imagine that the families of those who lost their lives on September 11th condone this” — and right away alarm bells sounded. When Al Gore tries to imagine things, the streets empty, shutters slam shut, and Tipper revives plans to deliver mental health care to all.
Now the entire chorus is shouting, What did he know, and when? We’d know the answer if the FBI, CIA et al. hadn’t been divided and conquered by the enemy within, who, in the composite drawing executed by our sketch artist, bears a strange resemblance to every member of the media-Democratic chorus. This isn’t exactly the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
What would Jimmy Carter think? “Fair carpenter, but excellent propaganda tool,” one analyst writes about the fellow who could yet volunteer to build his party’s guillotine. Our own modest proposal would have Jimmy stay on in Cuba, where his tinkering talents could be put to better use. Plus Fidel likes him and takes him to ball games. A befriended Jimmy is a happy sight indeed.
After a thorough review of our Carter intercepts, we’ve concluded Mr. Jimmy did mutter more than a few things that’s weren’t mambo to Fidel’s ears. Certainly it was better to send the peanut farmer to Cuba than some Canadian. Multi-faceted sanctimony trumps an appeaser’s pieties every time. Once Cuba is freed, it will be renamed Cartera. Assuming Rosalynnna approves.
A funny thing happened on the way to San Jose — Ms. Dionne Warwick got nabbed in Miami transporting nonmedicinal marijuana. A bigger surprise is that it turned out she has no connections with the NBA.
In another artistic surprise, Monsieur Woody Allen received Cannes applause when he denounced an effort by some American Jews to boycott the film festival now under way in the south of France. He compared the boycott campaign to Nazi anti-French protests before World War II. As always Woody has no sense of plot. The Nazis didn’t boycott France. They took it over. Allen sounds like someone who’s been watching too many Woody Allen movies.
For real insights we rely on Susan Sarandon, who with no advance warning told a New York conference that it’s up to the U.S. and Israel to gain a better understanding of suicide bombers. We should ponder, “What leads to that?” instead of responding angrily like “shoot-’em up cowboys.” What’s a few dozen lost innocent lives? As always the drama coaching of Robert Altman and Alec Baldwin pays off. Serves everyone right for thinking Susan really did go over a cliff in Thelma and Louise.
What, you say, nothing about Richard Cohen? Relax. He’s moved on to a topic closer to his heart — teenage sexual abstinence. He’s not for it, and scoffs at those who are, especially if they restrict the interstate transport of condoms. To be sure, Bush is a fool in this area as well. But Woody Allen will be happy to hear that Cohen calls France “sexually rambunctious.” Aren’t we all.
Just like this week’s winners, Messrs. Gephardt, Daschle, Gore, McAuliffe, Brokaw, Rather, Terry Moran, John King, John Roberts, Chris Matthews and countless others in the anti-Bush Martyrs Brigade whom we’ll soon be returning to Guantanomo. Never have so many shared an EOW reward for being so little. Now to figure out a way to keep Jimmy Carter from helping them built hurricane-proof huts on their new habitat.
(Send your Enemy of the Week nominations to firstname.lastname@example.org.)