Remember goofy, toothy Jimmy Carter? Of all yokels he has the nerve to complain, as the headline over his major op-ed in the Washington Post put it, about “The Troubling New Face of America.” It’s all about jealousy, as once again the lust in his heart has come to naught. Instead, Roseanne, a kind of younger, earthier version of Rosalynn, is telling the world that her “huge crush” is on President Bush, the prince behind America’s handsome look. She calls him a “babe” and “hot,” and says he’s as charming as Ronald Reagan. Don’t count on her winning confirmation to a federal court.
If it’s any consolation, there is a fellow out there as charming as Jimmy C., and that would be none other than Bill C., a fellow whose lust has never been thought to emanate from his heart. There he was, at a two-bit fundraiser, crying for Saddam and demanding that Osama be found first. How long can he keep counting on Roseanne’s man to clean up his messes?
Not all his projects have had ended badly. Take the first attorney generalette Bill and lovely wife Bruno tried to ensconce at the Justice Department, Ms. Zoë Baird. According to a New York Times exposé, Ms. Baird can now afford Social Security for a thousand nannies. As head of the Markle Foundation, which claims to work for the good of children in the age of the Internet, she’s paid $432,000 in base salary. Of the $40 million she spent last year, “nearly half has gone to administrative costs, including salaries, consultants and public relations.” Spending on the last is understandable. One of Baird’s “most trusted deputies,” a young woman who worked as a communications official in the Clinton White House, was recently “rebuked for charging personal expenses to the foundation.” These included “sea planes to the Hamptons” and “a visit to Fifi La Roo, a spa in East Hampton.” It’s not known if the spa is named after Ms. Baird’s French poodle.
But it is known that Baird worked in an atmosphere of trust. For instance, all staff members were instructed, in case of any “inadvertent contact” with any member of the foundation’s board of directors, to “send Ms. Baird an e-mail message ‘describing your encounter.'” That can get you into Risky Business.
Just ask another Democratic fixture from the golden Clinton and pre-Clinton eras, Mr. Bob Beckel. Local northern Virginia papers recently described his encounters with a young professional named Tiffany. He met her on the Internet, invited her over, boasted about his work for a “major media syndicate,” and paid her generously — yet after two torrid dates it seemed she dumped him. Next thing he knew, a couple of her friends and protectors were shaking him down for $50,000. That’s when he went to the police. And that’s when his career went splat. Only goes to show, tell her anything, just not that you’re a star. That’s when she’ll take you for a sucker.
It doesn’t get prettier. A.M. Homes, a short story writer, has issued her latest collection. Speaking for all literati, the Washington Post‘s reviewer admitted, “This author is probably far better than I can perceive.” Too true. An earlier Post report highlighted one of these stories, “The Former First Lady and the Football Star,” described as a tragicomic look at the Reagans and Alzheimer’s.
“At this point, I don’t think they get to be totally private people,” Homes told the Post. Here’s an example of her style, from the Post‘s account:
Nancy hires a male nurse, fearing that Ronald might get too randy. “‘Sometimes, as memory fades, a man becomes more aggressive, more sexual,'” a doctor tells Nancy. “‘The last thing we’d want is a bastard baby claiming to be the President’s child.'”
Nancy also hangs out in an online chat room, flirting with strangers.
In another Homes story, according to the Post, “a woman tries to impregnate herself using semen from abandoned condoms.”
It would appear that our Ms. Homes has a future in respectable company, someone like fellow sweetheart Bill O’Reilly. The other night on Fox this Wild Bill went ballistic, berating a saintly invited guest from the Wall Street Journal‘s editorial page as a liar, skunk, and reprobate, all because the guest had calmly noted that O’Reilly had allowed himself to be a useful tool of the Saudi propaganda machine while undercutting a congressional human rights delegation in the process. Time to pull the plug on this weirdo, no matter what might spew out. That’s the risk we’re prepared to take in pursuit of worthy EOWs, particularly when they prove eager enemies of the helpless and weak.