It wasn’t that long ago — 12 midnight, January 1, to be precise — that we at Enemy Central made a New Year’s resolution to provide timely Enemy exposes every Friday for 52 consecutive weeks here at TAS online in the coming year. Too bad that the resolution we made was…nonbinding.
But you should have heard the internal debates among our various agents. J. Edgar Hoover and Eliot Ness would have been impressed by the bravery it took to speak loudly and carry a papier mache stick. Even better, our guys, in their individuality, came up with a dozen or so different resolutions. You haven’t seen such crime-fighting plans since the days of D.A. Giuliani. President-To-Be Clinton committed 100,000 new cops to our beat, and no more meter-maid work for the women. Stun guns were on order. Boxes and boxes of mace too. Snappy handcuffs and the traditional ball-and-chains as well. Pancho Villa never wore as many bullet belts across his chest as we displayed. We were primed.
Alas, we’re based in Washington, where cleanliness rules. During a bathroom break, everyone washed his hands. The disinfecting soap took immediate effect. All our hawkish intentions went down the drain. Literally, as they literally say in D.C. Our new policy was DOA. Enemy targets were given new life, along with a cost-of-living increase.
So here we are at the beginning of month two, week five of EOW Year 2007, getting a “clean” start, as a Delaware dolt might say, lifting a thought from the late George Wallace. We know our responsibilities, to cut and run after those who cut crooked deals and run our country down and its budget deficits up. No one is immune, even if he’s a Jack Abramoff crony schmoozing with pundits at a conservative summit. Or a Virginia senator once married to that aging Hollywood startlet who now endorses President Hillary for a third term, the 22nd amendment be damned. (To be sure, it was written with men, not women, in mind.)
We’ve made an exception of Al Gore, as we’ve tended to do with any Nobel Peace Prize nominee since the time Jimmy Carter recommended Obama bin Laden for the prize. Besides, we respect those whom history has slighted. In our book, Al Gore should have won a Nobel for Literature back when he published Earth in the Balance, as exciting a writerly debut as any since Normal Mailer’s The Naked and the Dead. Gore remains a valuable property — Hollywood is set to crown him with an Oscar (not literally, we trust), which will thus leave him in fighting trim to enter the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. Before the school year closes, we’re all counting on Hillary to inform us of the madrassa young Al attended back when he was said to be precocious.
Seriously, we can’t wait to see which candidate, Hillary or Al, Bill Clinton ends up endorsing once the race heats up in earnest this fall. In a rare exception, the endorsement will be binding, and worded in such disparate ways that Hillary will be certain her husband has endorsed her just as Al will be convinced Bill has endorsed him — why else would Bill have traveled to Al’s summer home in Greenland to do the deed? By the way, you’ll love the name of Al’s campaign plane: Puddle Jumper.
We only hope that Al doesn’t get too cocky too soon. The weather, whether political or atmospheric, can be fickle. He might want to pay closer attention to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s successes. No sooner did the California governor sign his state up for Kyotoization than the temperature in his state plummet to record lows and its frost-bitten citrus crop develop gangrene. On top of that, the governator is suffering from a very badly broken leg, all because he was snow skiing on a frigid mountain instead of waterskiing on Mission Bay.
And if you want the cooling to last, just send Hillary on a listening tour to the polar regions. You’ll never hear cracking ice solidify frozen shut so fast.
So who’s the EOW? They all are. Not that any call we make is binding.