Would-have-been First Daughter Meghan McCain really wants you to know that she is not a lesbian. She appears in the current issue of Playboy in pumps, earrings, and a red sequined dress. She is staring glassily right into the camera in a failed attempt at a come-hither look. The pumps kick out behind her. She is partially propped up in bed, pressing her ample chest against white satin sheets. Red nails on her left hand help to highlight a Mississippi jobs report, but she pays it no attention.
The lesbian thing comes up pretty early in the interview that accompanies the photo. Meghan tells the melodramatic story of how the 2008 election nearly finished her off. She “almost overdosed on Xanax”! Her figure increased four sizes! Rather than appear by John McCain’s side to help him weather the storm on election day, she drove with a bunch of her “girlfriends” to the McCain residence in Sedona, Arizona, where all they did was “play Rock band for days and days and eat and sleep and hang out in bed watching TV.”
Interviewer David Hochman lightly teases her to “say a little more about the hanging-out-in-bed-with-girlfriends part” and it all comes tumbling out. She is “not a lesbian, if that’s what you’re asking.” Meghan insists she would be the very “first person to tell the world” she was queer because she is “not private about anything.” But you see she is “strictly dickly” — I swear to Ayn Rand I am quoting that phrase accurately — and just can’t help herself. She loves sex, with men.
Granted, Miss McCain has “been hit on by women from time to time” and her life might be simpler if she were gay, “but no.” And sure, she loves hanging out with Rachel Maddow and Tila Tequila, but that’s because they are “just great people.”
Meghan has been the subject of a “gay rumor” or two but she shrugs that one right off, explaining, “Honey, you’re nobody unless you’ve had a gay rumor about you.” Unbidden, she tells us about her interesting choice of watering holes. If she frequents gay bars, it’s only because “they play the best music” and all of Meghan’s gay friends like to cut a rug. Gay men love her, she explains, because of the “big boobs and blond hair.”
As for how things are going with straight guys, we get conflicting reports. The story that she wants to tell is of the ugly duckling blossoming into a beautiful, independent, top-heavy swan. As a high schooler, Meghan was “uncool” and didn’t get to do much but the second she “hit college” she “started dating up a storm.” She’s not in a “serious relationship” these days but that’s fine by her. This way there is “no one to check in with.”
Yet Meghan drops broad hints that maybe she’s not so happy. On a recent outing “like, a week ago” her date “just wanted to talk policy and strategy the entire time,” which was a real “mood killer.” She complains that guys “think if they Google you and talk about stuff you’ve said, they get to make out with you at the end of the date.”
Future dating tip gents: You’ve got to do more than pretend to take Meghan McCain’s political opinions seriously. You should focus on telling her about the music you enjoy, what you do for fun and, above all, she wants you to make her laugh out loud. That is an “instant turn-on,” she explains, even if you happen to look “like Zach Galifianakis.” So get a pizza, rent The Hangover, lean in close at the right moment, and whisper, “You know, sometimes I read Playboy for the pictures…”